From: Gooch
Category: Amis
Date: 8/29/99
Time: 6:39:43 PM
Remote Name: 129.219.247.144
AMIS'S VAMP PHENOMENON: Nicola Six, considerably inconvenienced, is up there in her flying saucer, approaching the event horizon. She hasn't crossed it yet. But it's awfully close. She would need all her reverse thrust, every ounce, to throw her clear...No, it doesn't work out. It doesn't work out because she's already there on the other side. All her life she's lived on the other side of the event horizon, treading gravity in slowing time. She's it. She's the naked singularity. She's beyond the black hole. [Postulated by Martin Amis.]
YOUNG'S HYPERHUMP EQUATION: Nicola was laughing with her mouth as long and wide as it would go. The energy equation here could be represented as something like x=yz squared, *y* being a certain magnitude of solitary female beauty, *z* being the number of men present, and *x* the Platonic gang-rape which, in certain possible futures, might harden into action. [Postulated by Samson Young.]
SCHRÖDINGER'S CAT PARADOX: A cat is placed in a box, together with a radioactive atom. If the atom decays, a hammer kills the cat. If the atom doesn't decay, the cat lives. As the atom is considered to be in either state before the observer opens the box, the cat must thus be considered to be simultaneously dead and alive. [Postulated by Erwin Schrödinger.]
WITTGENSTEIN'S BANANA: A banana is flying first class from New York to L.A. Two scientists, one in each city, are talking on the phone about the banana. Because it is moving in relationship to its noun, the referent of the word *banana* never occupies one space, and anything that does not occupy one space does not exist. Therefore, a banana will arrive at JFK with no limousine into the city, even though the reservation was confirmed in L.A. [Postulated by Ludwig Wittgenstein.]
APOLLO'S NON-APPLE NON-STRUDEL: Imagine Apollo running backward around the rings of Saturn while holding a hot dish of apple strudel. In another universe, connected only by a wormhole, is a dollop of vanilla ice cream. The vanilla ice cream will move inexorably toward the wormhole and be dumped onto the strudel. Yet wife swapping is still frowned upon in many countries. [Postulated by Nikola Tesla.]
SACAJAWEA'S RAIN BONNET: Lewis and Clark are admiring Sacajawea's rain bonnet. Lewis, after six months in the wilderness, wants to wear the rain bonnet, even when it's not raining. Clark wants Sacajawea to keep wearing it and doesn't want to have to deal with Lewis, who conceivably could put on the bonnet and start prancing. However, an observer looking back from the twenty-first century will find this completely normal. [Postulated by Jim Murphy.]
CHEF BOYARDEE'S BUNGEE CORD: A bungee cord is hooked at one end to a neutrino, while the other end is hooked to a vibraphone. The neutrino is then accelerated to the speed of light, while the vibraphone is dropped off the Oakland Bay Bridge. The cord will stretch to infinite thinness, the neutrino will decay, and the vibraphone will be smashed by the recoiling bungee. Yet an observer standing on the shore will believe he hears Tchaikovsky's second piano concerto performed by Chef Boyardee's uncle Nemo. [Postulated by Werner Heisenberg.]
GEORGE HAMILTON'S SUN LAMP: George Hamilton is dropped into an empty rental space next to a tanning salon on the dark side of the moon. There is no way into the salon except through an exterior door, but if George exits, it could mean dangerous exposure to deadly gamma rays. George could open his own tanning salon by tapping the phone lines from next door and taking their customers. And yet George is cooked when he exits the rental space while using a silver-foil face reflector. [Postulated by Betty Crocker.]
[FROM *SCHRÖDINGER'S CAT* BY STEVE MARTIN]