From: Geoff
Category: Amis
Date: 7/5/99
Time: 7:24:12 AM
Remote Name: 195.50.84.99
ANOTHER PIECE OF CREATIVE WRITING FROM THE NORCOTT VAULT IN THE STYLE OF GRAHAM SWIFT'S 'LAST ORDERS.'
So we're in the Neptune, Vince says 'Jacky, lock in', I say that i've got no dough, he says don't worry about it, I say 'But I do Vince, just cos you're the guvnor now I don't want to take the Michael', he says again 'Don't worry about it.'
So he gets out his slide machine and says he's going to let me into a little secret. I've had 9 pints and am hoping he's getting a bit silly and is going to show me a bit of footage of him and the mrs getting busy. He don't. 'Jacky boy' he says 'I been mates with you from back when Granny was a lad. I never meant to lie to you but the nature of my work has demanded that I withold from you the total truth as to my true identity, for your safety as well as mine.' 'Fuck me Vince, this is a bit heavy ain't it? I'm pissed.' 'Listen Jacky' he's looking at me real hard now, like I'm transparent or something 'I know you think that you know me. The man you know is Vincey boy like; used to be a butcher, got divorced, won the lottery, runs a pub, his daughters a sort....' 'I never look at her in that way to be honest Vince.' 'Lying cunt.' He continues anyway. 'For the last twelve years I have been working with NASA on a secret project to land a manned probe on the surface of Mars to investigate the possibility of sustaining Human life there. That holiday I went on last summer, you remember, I took Lucy and her youngest to Arizona.' I nod. 'Well I never went to Arizona. I got in a big old space ship and I fucked off to Mars for a couple of weeks.' 'Bollocks.' I say. 'You ain't never been to Mars, you ain't even been to the Moon.' 'I know this is difficult for you to understand Jacky, fuck knows it was tough for me too as I stood there on the Martian surface, bold as you like. So I've got these slides to prove it.'
I don't say nothing. He puts the first slide up on the big sports screen.
'There you go he says sitting back in his chair 'Vincey boy on Mars. What do you think?' 'Well' I say, examining the photo closely 'Someone more suspicious than myself might draw attention to a number of the photos....how can I put it?... inconsistencies.' 'Such as?' said Vince. 'Well first off you are wearing shorts, a t-shirt and Yankees baseball cap, a very touristy look some might say.....' 'Fair play.' '..and what with the lack of an atmosphere on Mars it is suprising, to say the least, that you aren't wearing any breathing apparatus.' 'I got strong lungs from when I was a Butcher.' 'Thirdly, and perhaps most astonishing of all, there a number of other people in the shot, similarly attired to yourself, taking photos of the large Canyon like crevice behind you.'
'So what you getting at?'
'What I'm getting at Vincey my old son is that you ain't never been a member of NASA, you never been to Mars, furthermore these photos are quite clearly taken at the Grand Canyon. You ain't no astronaut, what you are is a lying cunt.'
Silence.
'Well well well. You know who your mates are.' 'Bollocks Vince,' I reply 'it's got fuck all to do with friendship. What is at stake here is the truth: and the truth is you are full of it. Last week you're telling me you were the man on the grassy knoll, the next week you were having a fling with Mary Queen of Scots.' 'It's all true.' 'It's bollocks, you're a landlord; A fat lying landlord who speaks out of his hole.'
Silence.
'So I guess you aren't up for the trip to Jupiter then?' 'There ain't no trip to Jupiter you mad bastard!' I say, but I can see i ain't getting through so I finish my pint, thank Vince for the drink and put all his windows through to emphasise my point.
Astronaut my arse.